attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
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I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.