[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
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I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?