8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
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That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
The Joker was right
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications