BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
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Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
no!! no!!!!!!
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.