one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
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Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.