Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
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*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?