CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
You Might Also Like
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
(more comics:
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.