“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
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channeling her this year
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*