My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
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[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
no!! no!!!!!!
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear