guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
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landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
lol
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
A friend helps you before you need it
Every work meeting this week