My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
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Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
What the dentist sees
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies