“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
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Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Strangers have the best candy.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign