Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
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*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING