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Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
mood
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.