O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
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Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Geez man, take it easy.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy