You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
You Might Also Like
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.