[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
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Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Very good news from my accountant
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel