No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
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My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”