Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
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nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing