The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
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The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
That took me a moment.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
incredible text to wake up to
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot