Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
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To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Great acting.. 😂
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?