perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
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*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Baking is just science you can eat.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
synchronized noseblowing
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…