This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
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ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
a public service announcement
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Taking phone security to the next level.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history