My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
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After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..