Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
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I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.