I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
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AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Sing it!
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.