none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
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My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
What is going on? 😅
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
I am a gravy boat captain
This hospital has everything
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”