There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
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Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
stop
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere