My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
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On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.