My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
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90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.