Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
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Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.