What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
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OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
he looks great for his age
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work