Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
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3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.