Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
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Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test