Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
You Might Also Like
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!