*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
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Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown