Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
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eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
couldn’t resist
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT