Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
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*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
We’re all getting idioter.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
*serious situation*
My brain:
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert