WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
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in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Aight bet
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.