I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
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Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.