Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
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*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
“The Perfect Relationship”
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.