Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
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The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.