When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
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There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
beware of dog
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Something Saturday.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
men are simple creatures
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*