Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
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Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”