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I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
How is it still this week?
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that