Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
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*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Every time.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know