Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
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how high up are we talkin’?
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Every damn time
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
I put the mess in domestic.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there