“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
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Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.