finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
My love language is deader than Latin
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts