[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
You Might Also Like
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
wait.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?